The Weight of Saying Yes When You Want to Say No
Have you ever caught yourself saying “yes” while every part of you was screaming “no”? That’s been my life for as long as I can remember. I’ve always avoided conflict like the plague—it felt like unnecessary drama I didn’t want to waste energy on. And maybe it’s just me, but sometimes when I speak, it feels like no one hears me. Like my words just disappear into the void.
I check every box of the “good girl” mindset: people-pleaser, conflict-avoider, constantly worrying about how my choices will affect others. Even starting this blog, I catch myself thinking, What if my family or friends get mad about what I write here? Some of what I share in my blogs, they don’t even know. Yet. Maybe blogging is my version of journaling—getting everything out of my head and onto paper. And maybe, just maybe, someone else out there can relate.
The “Good Girl” Conditioning Runs Deep
From an early age, I was shaped to be obedient. Growing up, I was the “good girl.” I followed the rules, never questioned authority, and put others first. I remember asking my mom, “Why can’t my little brother wash the dishes?” and she’d say, “Because he’s a boy.” Like… SO? He has hands, doesn’t he?
That mindset had real consequences. One of the most painful experiences of my life happened because I was too afraid to challenge authority. When I was 13, I was taken advantage of by a grown man in his 40s. It started small—a “gift” here, an inappropriate touch there. I knew it wasn’t right, but I was taught that adults were in charge. I was afraid to speak up. Afraid of conflict. Afraid of being the bad one. I was the type of person who never skipped a class, never went to a party, and never broke the rules. Now, as a mother, I want to strike a balance. I want my kids to have the courage to say ‘no’ when it counts, but also… not tell me ‘no’ when it’s time for school or errands.
Recognizing the Resentment
I never spoke up, never questioned authority, and went along with what I was told. That behavior was so ingrained that it carried into my marriage, too. But as time went on, I realized it wasn’t just about doing the right thing anymore—it became a simmering resentment. The pressure to keep saying ‘yes’ to everything was weighing me down, and the moment I started to recognize it, I knew I had to make a change. That realization hit me like a ton of bricks. My church recommended Good Boundaries and Goodbyes during a healthy relationship series in December, and one line punched me in the gut:
“Whenever you say yes to something, there is less of you for something else. Make sure your yes is worth the less”
That was it. That was my wake-up call. If I keep moving in this new direction—choosing myself, setting boundaries, learning to say “no”—by this time next year, I could be a completely different version of myself. I hope I’m happy. I hope I have the stability I crave.
The Moment I Realized I Wasn’t Choosing Myself
The turning point? My marriage. We were struggling (still are, honestly), and I found myself constantly doing things I didn’t want to do. Asking myself, Is this it? Is this the rest of my life?
One major example: The dog. Now, don’t come for me, dog lovers. My husband wanted a dog. To me, a dog = a baby. My daughter starts school this year—I’m in the home stretch of finally having time to focus on myself. But suddenly, I was supposed to pick up poop, walk, train, feed, and care for a dog. I said “yes” even though I didn’t want to. I set a boundary—he had FULL responsibility. And yet, here we are. The dog has chewed, peed on, and bitten everything in sight. Including my daughter’s face when she got too close to his bone.
I didn’t hold the line on my boundaries. And now I’m paying for it.
Unlearning the Need to Be Agreeable
This mindset isn’t serving me. Every day, I see people living their best lives, traveling, thriving. And yes, I know social media is a highlight reel. But wouldn’t it be nice to just go somewhere sometimes?
The few times I have said “no” when I didn’t want to do something? It felt SO NICE.
I’m working on getting out more. I’m an introvert—I have exactly three friends, all of whom live hours away. We talk maybe twice a year. But recently, I made a mom friend at my son’s soccer practice. We go to the same church, and now we’re planning to attend a church group together. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll learn how to make friends again.
Learning That It’s Okay to Spend on Myself
Here’s a real struggle: buying something for myself. I go to a store, see a cute shirt, check the price tag… and put it back. Because my kids need something, and they’re more important. After seven years of this, my wardrobe is nonexistent. I don’t even have clothes to be a bum in.
I haven’t learned yet that buying something for myself isn’t selfish. But I’m working on it.
The Journey Is Just Beginning
There have been positive shifts. I feel lighter. Like I’m finally shaking off the pressure to be something I’m not—the perfect, traditional wife. I never fit in that box, and I think that’s why I ended up so depressed. Taking care of a house and kids only? That’s not the life I want. Kudos to those who love it, but I want more. I want to be more. See more than just my four walls.
Right now, my biggest challenge is finding financial stability. It’s my top priority. But I know I’m at the very beginning of a long journey, and I’m glad you’re here for it.
If you’re on a similar path, let’s do this together. Keep taking those small steps. Choosing yourself isn’t just necessary—it’s survival. And for the first time in my life, I’m choosing me.